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Bachelorette in 60 Seconds: And The Final Rose Goes To…

James. It goes to James. Oh…

Here we go, you guys! The finale of the Bachelorette is here.

Who will Sophie choose?The money or the wine?

    Away we go…to the exotic island of FIJI! BULA!!!

    Here’s our man, Osh for the final time introducing Sophie this season; with perfectly coiffed hair, barefoot on a beach, in shorts. Babe.

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    And in case you thought there was a shred of feminism left on this show... “Sophie is about to make the BIGGEST. DECISION. OF. HER. LIFE” he says. i.e. Which man she will choose, because ya know, life is not complete without one.

    And then “TONIGHT” - a ten minute recap of the entire episode before it airs…

    Ah here’s our heroine, walking through the airport dressed all “normal”.

    Because we also wear HELLA HUGE heels, a face full of makeup and hair en pointe before we board a flight.

    Also, side note: We think maybe tonight’s episode has been sponsored by Fiji Airways…but we can’t be sure.

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    We should double check just in case we got it wrong…

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    Anywho, “I came here looking for a regular guy…” Sophie says while thinking about all the money and all the wine.

    We flashback to Jarrod’s first date with the grapes and then a recap of their journey together and all of his hopes and dreams and intentions and feelings and stuff… 

    “I’m so grateful that this beautiful man has come into my life…” she says, thinking of the wine.

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    TBH, we’re starting to feel as though the Bachie producers have done a number on us and LIED.

    These two actually "look suited" as my Mother would say.

    Did you ever think that MAYBE it’s the women of Australia who like a bad boy and can’t see a good guy when he’s presented to us?

    Is that what they’ve done? Could Jarrod ACTUALLY be endgame? Have we been wrong all along? Has the entire country shown they are commitment-phobes by calling him a stage-5 clinger?

    We are so confused and This. Is. Too. Much. Already.

    So now, it's time to recap Stu's "journey".

    “Stu just came out of nowhere in this experience…” Sophie says. Ummmm… he came out of a helicopter, but whatever.

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    Sophie is so taken with Stu because he has risked so much for her PLUS he has four daughters and that’s a lot to sacrifice for her…and he talks about how happy he is – and he hasn’t been this happy for twenty years and maybe EVER… which is saying a lot about his four daughters…

    Fiji Airways again. Twice. That’s 6 times in under 4minutes and 58sec. We know, we counted.

    Sorry to bring up Fiji again, but HOLY CRAP. Look at this place.

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    Jarrod is waiting in a hut on the island... and has anyone ever noticed how much aimless wandering they do on this show?

    It’s like…let’s walk and look at the ocean. Let’s walk around the airport. Let’s walk and look at the sand. Let’s walk and look at a tree… I mean, ploise get on with it.

    We recap Jarrod’s version of events and then we get this….

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    ....and we’re not sure we actually asked for it.

    We then recap Stu's version with the exact same scenes we saw when Sophie was talking and frankly, we are so bored right now. We're getting wine.

    Can someone please tell me when the family arrives to grill them?

    Sorry, we just heard this tidbit from the kitchen: “I know Soph is the girl I want to SETTLE with,” Stu says.

    By settle, he means down “settle down” right, not “settle for”, because Sophie is Australia’s goddamned NATIONAL TREASURE, STU. A GODDAMN NATIONAL TREASURE and no one just SETTLES, plz.

    Stu doesn’t want to leave without Sophie knowing his true intentions/feelings/how much money he earns…so there's that.

    YASSS… Sophie’s family! (In case you've forgotten, her parents names are Sandy and Andrew (Andy) and sister Lucy).

    In particular, we’d like to extend a warm welcome back to our fave under-cover driver aka Sophie’s Dad, Andy, who looks absolutely THRILLED to be here in Fiji.

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    There’s lots of tears, hugs, kisses and lovely words, and this family is so beautiful that we’re now wandering whether they would adopt a brunette into their blonde family because #everyblondefamilyneedsabrunette.

    Sophie drops the bombshell that Stu is still married and Andrew is once again, thrilled.

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    “No questions are off limits?” Lucy asks. We bloody hope not, Lu. We bloody hope not.

    Stu is concerned that it’s been “a long long long long……” time since he’s met a girl’s parents and it reminds us of the million times he told us he was old.

    We’re really nervous for him right now especially because of this exchange:

    “Thanks for having me…” Stu says when he meets the three Monk’s.

    “OK,” Andy says straight back. (Hahaha Andy. You’re such a card.)

    “OK,” Stu says back.

      Also, Stu, “thanks for having me”? They don't own the island... but we guess all your friends have them, so we understand the confusion….

      “Well, I am 44, married, separated, four kids…”

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        ......

        Lucy takes Stu for a walk because GRILL TIME is the BEST TIME.

        “I’ll go hard first,” Lucy said, “I have read that you’re meant to be the playboy of Sydney.”

        “Yup………” Stu says. HOLY CRAP. This is sah awkward.

        Stu gets a smidge defensive and goes on about being married to the same woman for 15 years and having four kids like that’s an excuse to be a playboy.

        Also, the term “playboy” annoys him, it’s “PLAYA” thank you very much.

        Stu is amicable with his ex-wife (or WIFE as he accidentally refers to her and EXQUEEZE me, it’s “EX-wife”) and that’s mature. Because, well he’s an adult…

        Stu makes it clear to Sophie’s parents that she is his BEST friend and they exchange heart necklaces that break into two...no they don’t.. but being frandz first is SUPER important.

        He admits to being respectful to his friends and family on “the outside”, so that’s why he keeps his feelings hidden. We respect that.

        It makes him complex. Lots of layers.

        Sandy gives Stu the tick of approval.

        Enter Jarrod with the Fijian version of a "pot plant". Uh oh.

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        Apparently meeting Sophie’s parents is payback for the time she had to meet his… Umm.. OK.

        HOLY VIAGRA PLANT YOU GUYS! Did you know Jarrod was a GIANT??

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        He picked Sandy some flowers from a garden and that’s cute.

        “Sophie has helped me evolve into someone I should have been a long time ago…” and uh oh. We think we like him now too.

        Jarrod is respectful of Sandy and let’s her speak which is nice (and normal) and you can see she’s reeeeeeeeally into Jarrod, so much so she takes him away. By ze hand.

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        She’s all like, “If Sophie doesn’t want him….” JKS JKS.

        Sandy wants to know what Jarrod thinks about love and here we go…

        Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not….” Jarrod says. Well he doesn’t but it went something like that.

        It’s kind of sweet, and he’s actually very put together and GOOD ON HIM.

        “Do you think you love Sophie?” Sandy asks. “I definitely love your daughter,” Jarrod says.

        God, if he loses this…. we mean, doesn’t win. Sh*t, we mean, if Sophie chooses Stu… I mean, Jarrod told Sophie on the vin-YARD that he loved her… for his sake, I HOPE it’s him.

        Also, Sandy is VERY into this.

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        OMG Sandy can see Jarrod with Sophie in the future.

        “I think they complement each other,” she says, sounding EXACTLY like MY Mother.

        Family Recap: They’re sah different. Sophie is sah confused. It’s incredibly difficult and “they’re such nice chaps” – Andy (obviously).

        Sophie doesn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings and that’s so nice. Because she’s nice and we’ll really miss her.

        DATE TIME!

        (Side Note) If we took a shot of voddy every single time someone said “hardest decision of her/my life”, we’d be passed out on the floor with one shoe on and one shoe off…

        Jarrod has gone red again (from really wanting it) and looks like he is going to vom at the thought of not “winning” Sophie.

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        “Sophie is looking so cute,” Jarrod says. “And then I notice there’s a helicopter behind her.”  GASP. He stole Stu’s ride!!!!

        Also, Jarrod when he sees Sophie.

        These two have serious chemistry and we’re starting to back him more and more.

        “Jarrod has every quality I’ve been looking for in a man, my whole life.” Sophie says, and we are secretly beginning to agree…

        They have lunch on a deserted island with a personal chef, and OMG! 

        Sophie is great at date choosing...

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        “I appreciate this whole time, I’ve always felt safe knowing you were there,” And every girl around ‘Straya sighs and looks at their glass of wine lovingly.

        Sophie then tells Jarrod that she “cares about him” and Jarrod takes it as though she has accepted an engagement proposal. He gets REALLY excited and we feel we missed something.

        Jarrod shares so many feelings all of the time and we don’t know what to do with that, but good for him.

        Sophie cries because we can't tell if she's going to break his heart or no one has ever been so nice to her. So they mack on..

        Stu's turn.

        Sophie wants him to lay his heart on the line for her before it's "too late".

        Look, you'd think that their lives end after this show. "It's make or break". "This is it." Nah guys, you get to live your lives after this, surprisingly.

        Apparently because Sophie can see Stu's legs, it makes her very attracted to him and… ¯\_()_/¯

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        Stu has the second date and if history is repeating itself, he wins Sophie's race heart.

        They give good hugs which is noice and she uses the EXACT same line with she used with Jarrod. "My family loved you…" blah blah blah.

        There's a lot of "going deep" talk and we don't know what they're referring to, esp because they're going on a sea planes and sea planes don't go deep…oh they're going snorkelling.

        Stu is such a…..Dad.

        He's so goofy and awkward, and a little bit geeky.

        Naww, they both have "huge sized hearts" and he feels that they "were placed on this earth for each other". Le sigh.

        Then he starts to cry and now we want to give him a hug. He can't deal with ALL the feelings and emotions of being in love…for the second time.

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        Now all he has to do is tell Sophie.

        Is Sophie really going to choose Stu, for real?

        But what about Jarrod? Is anyone else totally confused right now?

        Sophie thinks all of Stu's qualities are what she's been looking for...and this sounds so familiar.

        Did we not just do this with Jarrod?

        Hammock Chat!

        God, we can't watch Stu be so crap with opening up. It's killing us, but we totally UNDERSTAND. And we're embarrassed because he's struggling and he just LOVES HER SO MUCH...

        We didn't know we'd feel all of these feelings for all these people. What are we going to do when this is over??? WHAT. ARE. WE. GOING. TO. DO???

        We feel like we are ruining a v v v v intimate moment and wish the camera would pan to a coconut or something.

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        Is she crying because she's going to dump him? Is this nearly over? We NEED to know who she chooses and NOW.

        FINALLY, they're doing the getting ready thing.

        And holy moly, we're about to find out who gets out of the boat first, because we all know it's not going to be them.

        Let's just take a final moment to appreciate this goddess of a human we've all grown to LOVE.

        Sophie. We're rootin' for ya!

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        Osher is back and we love you. You look adorbs and we are so happy to see you – because finally, we're about to find out WHO SHE CHOOSES.

        Osh thinks he is responsible for the fact that Sophie has found love, and we'll give it to him because he's just so damn adorable.

        Sophie has fallen in love and we are so happy for her.

        "I have fallen absolutely head over heels in love," she says...

        With who, you ask?

        Well it's not this guy....(BTW it was so sad - and we just had to watch him be sad and it was awful... and ugh, so emotionally invested in this...and how depresso do we all feel right now???)

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        It's this guy.

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        "There is no doubt in my mind. Stu is my soulmate. I've found him. I'm in love."

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        Congratulations to Sophie (our hero) and Stu, we hope you are very happy together!

        Fin, until next season xo

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