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The Bachelorette In 60 Seconds: Silence In More Ways Than 1

It’s here. It’s finale week. End Game!

Will it be Stu? Jarrod? Apollo?

And if the first minute is anything to go by, expect DRAMA!

Of course, the episode starts with your typical monologue while strolling casually across the beach. Head vs heart. Biggest decision of my life. Yadda yadda yadda.

It’s finale week and Sophie has lost her voice. Brilliant. Maybe she can dump two guys via interpretive dance?

Jarrod is first cab off the rank. She wants someone that loves her and with Jarrod she undeniably has that.

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Soph loves her cars this season. But for finale week she’s upgraded to a Ferrari. She even let Jarrod get behind the wheel.

And now she takes the most competitive contestant to a Go Kart Racetrack… Will he go in guns blazing or will he be a gentleman and let her win?

The wager? If Jarrod wins, Sophie is his servant for the day. Soph wins? Jarrod has to race around the track in his undies…

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I don’t know if I want to see that or not…

SOPHIE WINS! Getcha gear off Jarrod! Let’s see those stripey boxers!

(Thankfully?) She lets him off easy and instead makes him her servant for the day.

And Jarrod is once again beetroot red. No one can deny he wears his heart on his sleeve.

I wonder what they do with all the leftover fairy lights and candles? Is there like a Bachie fire sale?

Now things get serious.

Jarrod: I told you that I’d fallen in love with you, how [did you feel] when I actually said that to you – knowing you can’t respond… how I wanted.

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Sophie: [Speechless and not just because she lost her voice]

“All I’ve wanted for someone to love me for me and I feel like you’re one of the nicest people ever, I really struggle with people caring about me properly… I really believe you care about me properly.”

After all of the intense editing, stage 5 clinger stereotypes, they are really ramping up the romance between Sophie and Jarrod this episode.

Maybe it’s not Apollo and Stu through to the grand final?

Maybe the stage 5 clinger wins the girl?

With all this red lipstick, we wonder how many times they have to stop to wipe it off the boy’s faces before they roll cameras again…

Date two. Sophie tries to impress the multi-millionaire heir with a limo.

Are you sure you just want a ‘normal guy’ Soph?

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Suppose if the guy that makes you happy also could be on a future rich list, that’s just a cross you have to bare!

They’re even matching on the date – black jackets and jeans sitting cross legged.

Stu took dancing lessons before seeing Sophie on the Bachelorette just in case he had to impress her in a single date.

So instead of being on the water with Stu, the date is underwater with Stu. Going to the aquarium.

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Then they are going to feed a dugong. Stu thinks he’s safe because next to that mammal he looks alright… that is one way of looking at it?

Sophie is absolutely gobsmacked that a dugong only eats lettuce but can weigh that much. And to be honest, so are we.

The big questions are coming up. Like would he reverse the snip for more kids. Or ‘when do you think you’ll be divorced’. Which is interesting when they both use humour to skirt around any serious answers.

I wonder how his kids feel watching all of this.

Okay Stu. We get it. You’re happy. We’re glad.

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Stu says they have built a firm friendship? Mate, this isn’t the show you go on to find a buddy.

Not gonna lie. Now it’s finale week and it’s all romance and no drama we’re left wanting.

Will Apollo open up about his feelings and prove to Sophie that he sees a real future with her and wants to settle down and have ridiculously good-looking children?

Like seriously. Take a moment and imagine that…

Sophie does like dressing up Apollo like a Ken doll. She gifts him another tux.

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Bet she’d love to undress him too.

Wow. A private serenade from one of Australia’s premier Operatic singers with the backdrop of the Blue Mountains.

Where was this in all the earlier dates?

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Things aren’t looking good Apollo. Come on pull a few rabbits out of a top hat. She liked you when you did your magic.

We love the ongoing trend of there always being a blanket there for Sophie on each one on one couch date. Although we’re sad there isn’t Ugg boots to match.

Apollo you’re supposed to woo her instead of just talking to her about the fact that she has two other guys to choose from.

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Speaking of the future? “I’ve got a few stunts”… like releasing his new music single during his peak Bachelorette stardom.

He gives a timeline of getting married in the next four to six years… Geez, imagine how long until kids?

Sophie will be into her forties at that stage…

This is looking like the nail in the coffin.

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*Silence*

Apollo: Bread stick?

Honestly, asking about the weather would have a better move.

This is the most anticlimactic final Bachelorette date we’ve ever seen.

WHAT IS HAPPENING!?

At least we have an ad break to shake off that anxiety and confusion.

Now onto the rose ceremony. Gee…. I wonder who Sophie will choose (*Rolls eyes* You let us down Apollo).

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Has there ever been any spot fires with all those candles around all the time? Like surely someone has accidentally knocked one over at least once.

Jarrod gets the first rose and he’s ecstatic.

Now it’s the 24 year old vs the 44 year old. The age difference has never seemed wider.

Plot twist! She chooses Apollo….

    Of course Stu gets the second rose.

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    Awkward laughing between Sophie and Apollo to break the tension.

    “I want you to take over the world” That’s quite sweet Sophie.

    Gracious even in defeat.

    “I’m really hurt. You can’t lose feeling for someone in an instant and I think it is going to take a little bit of time… at the end of the day it is her decision and I really respect that,” Apollo said while in his final limo ride home.

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    SO…

    Tomorrow night we get to meet Sophie’s family and finally her sister asks the hard questions of Playboy Stu.

    In the end it all comes down to the Vineyard Manager and the Publican… When we look back, should we have expected anything different from Sophie?

    She does love her wine! 

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